At the risk of this blog totally contradicting my tagline and becoming ALL mommyblog, I have another post about babies.I am 2 weeks away from my due date, so you all will indulge me, right?
I’ve known I wanted a baby as soon as I wasn’t one myself.It’s never been a question in my mind. I’ve never wavered.A childhood friend just reminded me that when all my girlfriends were taping pictures of Ricky Shroeder and other Tigerbeat hearthrobs to their notebooks, I taped a picture of the Gerber baby.You see what I’m getting at here?
When I was pregnant with Caleb I would do nauseating things like lay out a little newborn outfit in his crib and beg Colin to come imageine how cute our baby was going to be.I had waited a long time for my first baby and I was over the moon about it.
See? Look closely in the co-sleeper. One of many practice ensembles for my coming little angel.
But I have a huge dark confession to make and I’m begging no one judges me for it.
This time around the overriding emotion I’m feeling is terror.There’s very little joy.I know full well what the sleep deprivation will do to my emotional state, my patience and my marriage. I know the searing pain of sore nipples.I know how taxing the recovery process will be, how isolated I'll be when my husband leaves for work.I know my relationship with Caleb will never be the same, and I worry I'll never be able to love another soul with the intensity I love Caleb.And all I can think about this that stuff.I half-joke that I already resent the little guy.
Discussing these fears over a dinner with friends, Colin and I jokingly declared, “newborns suck!”This was met with uncomfortable silence.
And of course we wanted another baby.Never thought twice about it.Only one child didn’t feel like full family to Colin or I, and as much as our siblings mean to us we didn’t want to deny Caleb that relationship.
But now mainly what I feel is terrified.
I’m told this is normal, and I’m sure it is.I also know that women successfully have more than one child all. the. time!Some have even told me it’s easier the second time around.(Others annoyingly tell me that it’s “more than twice the work of one.”)
All I hope for now is that as soon as that little baby is placed in my arms, all of the terror melts away and all the difficulty I know is coming becomes secondary to my love for him. And I find the girl taping pictures of Gerber babies in her school notebook because she can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t.